humourMOB/kitchen island,screen test.

1*!@#$%^&*SCREEN TESTS
ONCE upon a time screen tests were done @ a media house to vet your performance on screen or sooooooooooooooooooo.
but now……………………………………

…………………………kuna screen tests kwa mtaa.mitaani.

U TENANT re-loaded .agent wa mtaa aka professional estate manager asema kuna screen test/vetting kabla ya kuhama.wana recruit tenants
1.we ni nani??????????????nyinyi ni kina nani?????
2.what do you do???????????what do the kids do????
3.land lord wako wa mwisho alikuwa nani?????????why did you leave your last abode??????????????????
what is your blood type(in case of an emergency)?
what are your hobbies???????
DO YOU KEEP PETS???????????????????????dogs,cats??????like animal husbandry????????chicken???????????bees?????????fish???????
DO THEY SEE VETS???????????????????????
are they circumcised??????????????????????????
i want a list of all your habits and routines and a health report of you and the animals
hebu tuone meno yako na miguu yako.
i want a copy of your wealth declaration report?? pay slips ????????? documents? your photo na photocopy za watoto
4.sign an agreement; we will perform a background check on you to verify all the details……………
kama unafanya kwa bla bla bla  tunataka reference toka kwa FBI agent na picha taslimu na kadhalika………………………….
WELCOME ON BOARD.TO THIS NEW PLAZA BUILDING/apartment hot hot !
IT’S A DIFFERENT WORLD.

una vettiwa ndiposa unaingia kwa nyumba yako rented!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2.KISEWER CHA MIGINGO
kisiwa cha what ever??????????????????
you know kisiwa cha migingo, victoria island,the island of man (isle) isla{nd}fisher fisher of man…………………….solomon islands…………….
so you’ve travelled to some islands in lamu and loved the themes……………..and now the islands are nearer to thee than the sea……..?????????????? they’re in your face and in your house

a new or pseudo-new latest thing in home building is………………………………………..THE KITCHEN island.

you may want it L-shape,U-shape (a u-turn is out the road and in your kitchen)so utafanya u-turn kwa roady na kwa jikoni ??????????????stylish. bila kusahau counter top and added counter space???????????????????? for counting money/or for the money counter???????????? is it going to be a bank?????????????????or a lobby???????????????????
the home owner has to consider costs like bringing electricity and plumbing to the island.i wonder how and why an island needs plumbing yet it’s s’posed to be around-ed by water???????????????????????????
there’s also the free standing island????????????????????????? . yeah not out @ sea but standing on land!and in your kitchen!
and they do have disadvantages too. like they say its immobile????????????????????????? like yes all islands on earth lack mobility. only water moves about an island????????????????????????? and fish??????? going fishing for sport???????????????
they aren’t moving.they are on a round trip and they travel in circles circling the water circling the island and they also go to school.A SCHOOL OF FISH.another disadvantage is that the island takes up a lot of floor space.so do you need a floor manager for the kitchen??????????? to manage the island????????????????????????????so where will cooking be????????in the fire dep’t of the house???????????????
na mpishi ni fire-man??????????????????????????

dunia CA-RAZY,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,CA-RAZIER,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,CA-RAZY-EST!

Advertisements

humourmob/samaki wa kupaka/HOT DOGS


PAWCURE/PAUKWA PAKAWAimages (4)
DOGMA
IN USA
Dog facials,pedi/PAWDICURE. habari ndio hii .manicure for a dog.it’s a dog’s life.a dog has highlights on his/her body hair…………rainbow colour dog,multicolour bulldog,two-tone chihua who are……,flesh coloured german shepherd??????????????nude terrier??????????????????????????blonde dog,who eat dog cakes in a PETri dish?????????porcelain designer bowls,drink gold label mineral water from the mines south east of meditteranean seeeeeeee?????????????????????????????????????bathe in gold bath tubs….and in kiambu jamaa haogi coz there’s no time to bathe.even if gold bath tubs.even if public jacuzzi??????????????????
he’d rather drink methanol to sterilise his insides but not water coz it drowns people?????????????????????????????????
BACK TO DOGGING
the dog owner pays 200 dollars a night (wako na dollar mingi kwani kila mtu ni creflo dollar?) $$$ for his PETty pet to enjoy a play date and make new friends @ d-pet hotels/D PET HOTELS.only in america.in deluxe rooms with
1. flat screen t.v,for watching dog cartoons{all dogs go to heaven} and dog movies and dog music[who let them dogz out}?
2.room service incl.dog beer,dog wine,dog’s meat juices,birthday dog cake,dog biscuits,dog fruits like PAW PAW,hand and foot/paw waiter aka WAITherero
3.olympic size swimming pool with de-chlorination to not destroy dog’s highlighted hair at the dog salon and swimming coach :MICHAEL YELPS. phelps and kelps are for the deep blue sea.
4.grooming spa with customized bubbly bath with dog shampoo even a dog swedish massage from the dog masseuse a.ka.a DO(U)G savant.then dog has a blow dry and the hairs trimmed,oiled,moisturized then off to dog’s wardrobe with $10000$$ dog collar with rubies & gemstones and tanzanite,diamond’s aren;t a dog’s best friend,dog leather jacket from dogsy & gabbana. 1000s of $$$$$$$$$$$$$ of dog wear.rain coat?PETty coat,under coat,d-strings from dog-terrier’s secret/victoria’s secret???????????????
the dogs even do sun bathing @ barking ham palace gardens with sunscreen lotions/potions
kim’s dog had butt implants too.to look more bitchy and boost confidence????????????????????????????????????????????and ad more dog stuff?????????designer dog kennels,diamond dog collars?????????dog diapers???????????????????????
its a madd madd madd world.
and a hungry famine stricken african would have dog cuisine just to stay alive!

 

download (3)

 

 

 

si una taka kupika samaki wa kupaka?
ingredients:

1.fish.fresh fish,vaseline ya kumpaka samaki(moisturise when the body is still freshly moist from the lake),powder au ni salt and seasoning????,royco aka foundation/bronzer the colour/to tint the skin tone of the fish???????????,who wants to eat black or grey fish???????????????yet it falls under the group of white meat???
perfume; siku hizi kuna cooking spray kwa naku what.supermarket. you need it you got eat.bow tie ama dania for garnishing ooooo for appearance ooo food must be good to look @????,lipcolour/tomato sauce for colouring the fish’s lips so it looks appetizing etc……………………………..apply gloss………………….sheen……………………body oil(vee man shah’ll provide the body oil/elianto oil for ????????????????????????????????samaki wa KU PAKWA
milk:for bathing the fish to be soft and smooth
and without forgetting the cat/catch who will eat the sweet smelling beautiful fish???????????????
oooooooooooooooo chef garnish the food,it should look urembo,pleasant to taste???????????
kwani wale wanarogwanga na kukula nyasi either chafu/safi/dry etc?????????????????? wale mr.wangombe(they are never women)mbona hawajali saaaaaana kenye wanakula?
does it cause grass cancer??????????????????????????
do grass hoppers suffer from grass cancer???????????????????from pesticides????????lung cancer from insecticides????????????????
waliridhi salad za nebuchadnezzar.
king salads inc.from grace to grass to gross. and grows………………………………………………………

humourmob/query

SI EX PAT JENI curry-na/karina/carina/JENIFFER KARINA:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: anasema uki choose kuoa mtu ni kama case ya ruth ya bible (ile ya your people shall be my people.and your God shall be my God)na kadhalicker.{ooooooooooooooooooooo love has no boundaries????????????????????? MPAKA MIPAKA ? RD.WASTELANDSSSSSSSS ????????????

USIJI-WASTE???????????????????  oooooooooooooooooo set boundaries na perimetres…fanya ma-hesabu from the word gooooo,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,,,,,, you are as marriageable as your faith,,,,,,,     ,MKIWA of different faiths,,,,,,allow one another to be,,,,,,,,,,,aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa parents should give their blessing to their children,,,,,,,,,,eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee   ATI religious couples break up faster than the RACE ones????????????????}
soooooooooooooooooo…….
SWALA nyeti ni??????????
what if huyo mtu ni agnostic????
agnostic ni a person who believes that it is not possible to know whether God exists or not……………KUCHANGANYIKIWA nayo????????????????????????
WHAT IF huyo mtu ni ATHEIST ??????????????????????
atheist:a person who believes that God does not exist
UTAANZA ATHE..RE … RE…NA YEYE???????????????????????????????????????
GOD IS ONE

humourmob/porojO /ki media

@.1-Unakuta jamaa anauliza swali kama what is someone doing in your house for three days?????????????????????????????????????????????????????
anaeza kuwa amekuja kupumzika kwa MA TATU………………………..
anaeza kuja ile ya SPIRIT OF ADVENTURE ile ilileta ORIGInal waCOLONi kama living stone,redman/rebmann?ki historia tu??
anaeza kuja kufanya research?????????yeye ndiyo anajua lakini SPYing siku hizi ni kazi maybe ako practice/apprenticeship hapo kwako???????????????????ili ajenge exp.ataendea job Urusi,ukraine??kokote?under water???NDANI YA SHARK/u jonah ndio ajifichie wa US A wakitafuta spies under ocean bed siku moja………………………….?
Maybe amekufa roho na amekuja kufufuka hapo kwako after siku tatu???????????????ARISE AND SHINE???????
@.2-UNakuta pia expat anapeana mawaidha hapo ……….eti dating out of your comfort zone as in ……………maybe you can go date an OCTOPUS /paul in the ocean and buy jill/gillian/gills to breathe out of your comfort zone in the ocean???????????????????????????????????????????????MISS MERMAID?
badala u buy iwe gari ni sub marine muna pigia bei. ubaya hakuna toyo taaaa east africa ya kui nunua.!
unakuta the ex part anasema it is the woman’s reli gion that matters in a relationship………………………………………………….no wonder jezebel alimletea kifo and so much more machungu/maumivu to a herb/herbalist/ahab
NO WONDER the women solomon married led him astray and turned his heart after other gods.they surely turned his heart after other gods???goddamn them?????????????
EXPART/PERT akisema date out of your comfort zone,kesho atasema date out of your time zone,then next,date out of this world……….alafu……………OOOOOOOO……..EEEEEEEEEEEE………..EAT DATES THEY ARE GOOD FRUITS.
na bila kusahau radio-carbon dating nayo?
MTEGO/TAG WA PANYA HUINGIA WALI OMO NA WASIOKUWEMO NA WA HIS PANYA NA PANYA ROUTES ZOTE…………………………………………………………

humourMOB/POROJO

SO iko jamaa ana complainia miner,,,,,
eti bi*2 aka bibiye na da*2 aka dadaye wameovertake kila kitu kwa nyumbaye/nyumbani kwake so swala nyeti ni
1-HUYO MTU ANATAKA SPEED GOVERNOR @ HOME??????????????????????????
2-UYO MTU ANATAKA POLISI WA TRAFFIC @ HOME KWA HOUSE ??????????????????????????????
3-HUYO MTU ANATAKA UNDERTAKER KWA NYUMBA??????????????????
May be anataka uchukuzi na mawasiliano.transport to another location/communique to leave and let leave.or he can kill ‘imself and get to restful,peaceful heaven where no moth/thief/unwanted guests wilI ever reach HIM to disturb him.
ama ununue secret plot athi river coz hawa may be wanajiuliza ki moyo moyo………UTAHAMA LINI???????????????????????????????
NA UKIPANGA KUHAMA…………………………..WAKUITIE KUNDI LA HAMAS

LOVE THE LORD/sermon BY BWANA kyuna allan

Love the lord your GOD with all your heart,soul and mind.there is emotional love and tender affection,upendo wa mabeste(brotherly love)etc.
there is AGAPE LOVE.GOD kind of love.haya kuna love in CORINTHIANS 13:1-13
*the heart is the deepest part of your/our core
*the mind is your intelligence.you don’t love GOD for what he gives you,the miracles he does to you,and such like.you should love GOD UNCONDITIONALLY.it is not about the breakthroughs he gives,,,do not love GOD for what HE does.love GOD for who HE is.love for GOD must be utterly unselfish and have no expectation for anything in return.
a pastor may say “this is your year of promotion,or healing or a breakthrough year for you” pastors do say so.but supposing GOD does not do all that???????????????????????will you still love HIM?
IF HE takes all your kids and the cars and the floss will you still love him??JOB said to his wife “shall we accept good from GOD the Lord and not trouble?”Job said to his wife that he will love God the way he had always done.no conditions.no terms.applied.hakuna kanuni na masharti kuzingatiwa.except for kanuni ya imani.love GOD with big love and GOD love.because truly there are times you will seek the Lord and HE will be quiet.ths pastor himself(kiuna allan)preaches miracles but he don’t live for miracles.EMEN TO THAT AND AMEN TO THAT.he did not get saved to get blessed but he got saved to love the LORD.amen to that.it is like you going to the shower with an aim of getting clean and refreshed,not expressly to get wet,but of course you will get wet with the water.
THE BLESSING of the LORD shall make rich and add no sorrow with it.(DON’T GO SOMEWHERE IN MASAKU 7 s &DOING ALL MANNER OF NONSENSE) pst.a.k.47 shooting from tha pul pit(allan kiuna).when you love GOD you do not need supervision,because you have a consistent walk with GOD.the church is not a watchman to check you.know GOD for yourself.GOD will write the law in your hearts.dont want to be religious,want to be a lover of GOD.ukilala usiku say oooo GOD I LOVE YOU.don’t have a form of GODliness but denying its power.
1.love GOD Sacrificially.genuine love is sacrificial(GOD GAVE JESUS TO DIE FOR US)so be willing to lay down your life for the cost of CHRIST.na to the modern church persecution is not lacking a parking when you get to church,and neither is it getting frisked by security.most modern church goers think this is persecution.rest assured that HE who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.
2.LOVE GOD UNCONDITIONALLY
Meaning hata akutendee au asikutendee /akuje au asije/akubariki au asikubariki….love him un conditionally.
3.LOVE GOD PERSONALLY
YOU must love GOD personally.whether the bishop backslides?or the arch bishop marry 2nd,3rd and 4th wife(s)GOD is the unchanging change.you may trust in people and they turn around and do crazy stuff????and change…MUNGU WAKO CHANGES NOT.
if you are single you are still favoured in life
you don’t have to get married in order to be fulfilled in life
usionee dada/kaka ameolewa uchanganyikiwe mpaka wakisema halleluya wewe unasema zako(halle berry)ama una curse with curse words.
allan gives a brief bio of his and says he’s loved today coz he has it all put together.coz his hair is cut and made etc.laiti wangeona the LATE allan wa mongare that GOD exchanged him with(GOD gives beauty in place of ashes)the mongare drinker?
love GOD because HE loved you first and HE gave JESUS to die in order to raise a new beauty from the ashes.GOD will give you beauty for ashes
he wants you to love him whether you are in a slum or a house:::::::::::love him,whether you are walking or driving love him,whether your hair is made or not love him,whether you speak a certain language or not allan’s best friend is a luo,elias ndeda and so he leads by example of loving everybody as you love yourself and as christ loved the church. love him,if everyone unfriends you love him,hata ukiwa a size blessed au fat love him,the hairstyle,the make up well done,the eyelashes/brow swept,the hemline long or short GOD doesn’t care about appearance(s) but HE cares about the conditioning of your heart.he is most concerned with your heart.
LOVE GOD SO MUCH YOU WANT TO SEE MORE OF HIM,AND HEAR MORE OF HIM,AND TALK MORE TO HIM.SAY LORD LET ME HATE WHAT YOU HATE AND LET ME LOVE WHAT YOU LOVE.EMEN
This sermon was given on sun 6th of july @jcc by pst.Allan Kiuna.
NENO LITASIMAMA.YA ULIMWENGU YATAPITA LAKINI NENO LAKE BWANA LITASIMAMA.AMEN
GOD MAY LEAD YOU/US TO PLACES AND SITUATIONS OF DIFFICULTY AND IN WAYS WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND,BUT WOVEN IN THE TAPESTRY IS GOD’S PURPOSE FOR US,INTENDED TO RESULT IN GOOD.
AS FOR ME AND MY HOUSE WE WILL SERVE THE LORD.

humour tu

#

1.someone sings i believe i can fly i believe i can fly,i believe i can touch the sky
naamini naweza nzi,naamini naweza inzi,kipepeo,mdudu,competition with the flyers lakini mshangao ni
MOST GUYS WHO BELIEVE THEY CAN FLY HAVEN’T BOUGHT A PLANE TICKET YET.
the song should be used only by the wright brothers coz they believed they could fly and eventually did.and they didn’t have/need a plane ticket to do it.
THE HARDER YOU WORK,,,,THE LUCKIER YOU GET?????????????
#

2. GERMAN SHEPHERD
THE GERMAN SHEPHERD WAS SUPPOSED TO HERD THE SHEEP.but it ate the mutton.so it was a pleasure to meat the shepherd.
#

3 .and if you say someone is just starting to make sense…………(to you)from which factory do they get sense/which factory MAKES sense????
#

4.do people grow sense as they grow older????????????????????????????????

#

5. worker sez::::::::::::::::::::mr.boss i want to resign and i want to be paid my dues
BOssman::::::::::::::::::::::yes.explain yourself…………….
worker:::::::::::::::::::::I WANT TO BE PAID ENOUGH TO AFFORD ME TO QUIT.!!!!
BOssman:::::::::::::::::::::you are acQUITted.UMEACHILIWA HURU.NOW GO.

MPAKA………………. quit-o…………………ecuador!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT MAKE YOUR TONGUE WANT TO SLAP YOUR BRAINS OUT

HUMOURMOB/BELL ringer……..?????????

cropped-images-3.jpg

KUNA-nga kengele ya shule na ni bell ringer anaipiga
then kunanga door bell na si doorman anaipiga…………………………na pia si mlango anaipiga.ni wewe una-i-ring.

so uyu mtoto wa shule aliambia mzazi yeye ako overworked coz ye ni bell ringer shule tena anarudi ku ring door bell home,,,,,,,,,,anasema hawezi.

mr .buda naye ako ring road???????????????????? saa hiyo hawezi kum-ring-ia

na mama ako outer ring rd……………………………………..haezi kum-ring-ia……..

na ring leader ???????????????????????? hatum-jui?$%^&aliko

aliko ni dangote!

we dont know  we wont know??????????

so ana nuna ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

atakata ring finger eti?????????????????????? ndio asi-ring door-bell eti

lots of ringers/ringa  na ringing/si-ringi……………………………….. peleka maringo au baringo!

na ku ring sana na maringooooooo oooooooooo tuachie RINGTONE

ni tone yake ku ring!

humourMOB/DRAKE

NOW THAT DRAKE WON THE BEST MALE ARTIST @ THE BET AWARDS ???????????
where is THE female duck/duckess/duchess???????????????????
THE DUCKESS OF ARTISTRY?
a male duck is mr drake,donald(trump’s)duck is donald duck,
so the femme duck for BEST FEMALE ARTIST AWARD should be yvonne DUCK.

IN THE U.S DONALD DUCK IS A T.V PERSONALITY AND A CELEBRITY BUT IN KENYA,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,HE IS DINNER.ROAST,FRY,DEEP FRY??????????WHATEVER.AND NOW SHOWING IN A SUFURIA AND PLATE ………………..NEAR YOU……………………………THE WEST/THE HOOD
KUKU DANCE IN THE BELLY DANCE

HUMOURmob/GOLDIGGER

th 8bc3e999-3a05-368c-bdd5-9b3785e98a9a th

WHILE all ye women are crying and wailing coz poly game is legal??????KIM KARDASHIAN has gone and run the world U.S.A. and the woods HOLLYWOOD and the angels of??????? LOS ANGELES.and everywhere else she be.her bum be done on eeeeeeeeerrrrrr as it is in ?????????????
her armenian kardashian name means stone cover.
she is gearing up for her third marriage to K.W.kanye west/magharibi place.another wealthy black guy.SHE LIKES EM RICH AND WITHIN REACH.alichoka kuishi kwa kichaka na REGGIE BUSH footballer,,,,,,,,akachoka kushtakiwa kortini(kwa basketball court )na KRIS HUMPHRIES/AM FREE s and now she decided to look to the west (AS ALL AFRICAN PRESIDENTS/HEADS OF STATE DO)and it seems she got her sunshine rising in the east(ARMENIA) and now sets in the west(KANYE west coast L.A.)THIS GUY.singing all the way to the bank.and she showing off the BUM UDA TRIANGLE/CIRCLES?whatever???????
let miner kageni/let goldiggerS enter the minefield
the only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.
and she is playing the poly game well only with a different player @ each match.
AND HER MOTHER IS THE REFEREE AND THIS IS A THIRD PLACE PLAY OFF WEDDING.there’s still room for moreeeeeeeeeee.

PLUS ROOM FOR PLASTIC ENHANCED BOOB-JOBS.LEAVE D-cups and double l cups.she’ll enhance the boobs to a WORLD CUP