humourMOB/kitchen island,screen test.

1*!@#$%^&*SCREEN TESTS
ONCE upon a time screen tests were done @ a media house to vet your performance on screen or sooooooooooooooooooo.
but now……………………………………

…………………………kuna screen tests kwa mtaa.mitaani.

U TENANT re-loaded .agent wa mtaa aka professional estate manager asema kuna screen test/vetting kabla ya kuhama.wana recruit tenants
1.we ni nani??????????????nyinyi ni kina nani?????
2.what do you do???????????what do the kids do????
3.land lord wako wa mwisho alikuwa nani?????????why did you leave your last abode??????????????????
what is your blood type(in case of an emergency)?
what are your hobbies???????
DO YOU KEEP PETS???????????????????????dogs,cats??????like animal husbandry????????chicken???????????bees?????????fish???????
DO THEY SEE VETS???????????????????????
are they circumcised??????????????????????????
i want a list of all your habits and routines and a health report of you and the animals
hebu tuone meno yako na miguu yako.
i want a copy of your wealth declaration report?? pay slips ????????? documents? your photo na photocopy za watoto
4.sign an agreement; we will perform a background check on you to verify all the details……………
kama unafanya kwa bla bla bla  tunataka reference toka kwa FBI agent na picha taslimu na kadhalika………………………….
WELCOME ON BOARD.TO THIS NEW PLAZA BUILDING/apartment hot hot !
IT’S A DIFFERENT WORLD.

una vettiwa ndiposa unaingia kwa nyumba yako rented!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2.KISEWER CHA MIGINGO
kisiwa cha what ever??????????????????
you know kisiwa cha migingo, victoria island,the island of man (isle) isla{nd}fisher fisher of man…………………….solomon islands…………….
so you’ve travelled to some islands in lamu and loved the themes……………..and now the islands are nearer to thee than the sea……..?????????????? they’re in your face and in your house

a new or pseudo-new latest thing in home building is………………………………………..THE KITCHEN island.

you may want it L-shape,U-shape (a u-turn is out the road and in your kitchen)so utafanya u-turn kwa roady na kwa jikoni ??????????????stylish. bila kusahau counter top and added counter space???????????????????? for counting money/or for the money counter???????????? is it going to be a bank?????????????????or a lobby???????????????????
the home owner has to consider costs like bringing electricity and plumbing to the island.i wonder how and why an island needs plumbing yet it’s s’posed to be around-ed by water???????????????????????????
there’s also the free standing island????????????????????????? . yeah not out @ sea but standing on land!and in your kitchen!
and they do have disadvantages too. like they say its immobile????????????????????????? like yes all islands on earth lack mobility. only water moves about an island????????????????????????? and fish??????? going fishing for sport???????????????
they aren’t moving.they are on a round trip and they travel in circles circling the water circling the island and they also go to school.A SCHOOL OF FISH.another disadvantage is that the island takes up a lot of floor space.so do you need a floor manager for the kitchen??????????? to manage the island????????????????????????????so where will cooking be????????in the fire dep’t of the house???????????????
na mpishi ni fire-man??????????????????????????

dunia CA-RAZY,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,CA-RAZIER,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,CA-RAZY-EST!

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humourmob/samaki wa kupaka/HOT DOGS


PAWCURE/PAUKWA PAKAWAimages (4)
DOGMA
IN USA
Dog facials,pedi/PAWDICURE. habari ndio hii .manicure for a dog.it’s a dog’s life.a dog has highlights on his/her body hair…………rainbow colour dog,multicolour bulldog,two-tone chihua who are……,flesh coloured german shepherd??????????????nude terrier??????????????????????????blonde dog,who eat dog cakes in a PETri dish?????????porcelain designer bowls,drink gold label mineral water from the mines south east of meditteranean seeeeeeee?????????????????????????????????????bathe in gold bath tubs….and in kiambu jamaa haogi coz there’s no time to bathe.even if gold bath tubs.even if public jacuzzi??????????????????
he’d rather drink methanol to sterilise his insides but not water coz it drowns people?????????????????????????????????
BACK TO DOGGING
the dog owner pays 200 dollars a night (wako na dollar mingi kwani kila mtu ni creflo dollar?) $$$ for his PETty pet to enjoy a play date and make new friends @ d-pet hotels/D PET HOTELS.only in america.in deluxe rooms with
1. flat screen t.v,for watching dog cartoons{all dogs go to heaven} and dog movies and dog music[who let them dogz out}?
2.room service incl.dog beer,dog wine,dog’s meat juices,birthday dog cake,dog biscuits,dog fruits like PAW PAW,hand and foot/paw waiter aka WAITherero
3.olympic size swimming pool with de-chlorination to not destroy dog’s highlighted hair at the dog salon and swimming coach :MICHAEL YELPS. phelps and kelps are for the deep blue sea.
4.grooming spa with customized bubbly bath with dog shampoo even a dog swedish massage from the dog masseuse a.ka.a DO(U)G savant.then dog has a blow dry and the hairs trimmed,oiled,moisturized then off to dog’s wardrobe with $10000$$ dog collar with rubies & gemstones and tanzanite,diamond’s aren;t a dog’s best friend,dog leather jacket from dogsy & gabbana. 1000s of $$$$$$$$$$$$$ of dog wear.rain coat?PETty coat,under coat,d-strings from dog-terrier’s secret/victoria’s secret???????????????
the dogs even do sun bathing @ barking ham palace gardens with sunscreen lotions/potions
kim’s dog had butt implants too.to look more bitchy and boost confidence????????????????????????????????????????????and ad more dog stuff?????????designer dog kennels,diamond dog collars?????????dog diapers???????????????????????
its a madd madd madd world.
and a hungry famine stricken african would have dog cuisine just to stay alive!

 

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si una taka kupika samaki wa kupaka?
ingredients:

1.fish.fresh fish,vaseline ya kumpaka samaki(moisturise when the body is still freshly moist from the lake),powder au ni salt and seasoning????,royco aka foundation/bronzer the colour/to tint the skin tone of the fish???????????,who wants to eat black or grey fish???????????????yet it falls under the group of white meat???
perfume; siku hizi kuna cooking spray kwa naku what.supermarket. you need it you got eat.bow tie ama dania for garnishing ooooo for appearance ooo food must be good to look @????,lipcolour/tomato sauce for colouring the fish’s lips so it looks appetizing etc……………………………..apply gloss………………….sheen……………………body oil(vee man shah’ll provide the body oil/elianto oil for ????????????????????????????????samaki wa KU PAKWA
milk:for bathing the fish to be soft and smooth
and without forgetting the cat/catch who will eat the sweet smelling beautiful fish???????????????
oooooooooooooooo chef garnish the food,it should look urembo,pleasant to taste???????????
kwani wale wanarogwanga na kukula nyasi either chafu/safi/dry etc?????????????????? wale mr.wangombe(they are never women)mbona hawajali saaaaaana kenye wanakula?
does it cause grass cancer??????????????????????????
do grass hoppers suffer from grass cancer???????????????????from pesticides????????lung cancer from insecticides????????????????
waliridhi salad za nebuchadnezzar.
king salads inc.from grace to grass to gross. and grows………………………………………………………

humourmob/query

SI EX PAT JENI curry-na/karina/carina/JENIFFER KARINA:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: anasema uki choose kuoa mtu ni kama case ya ruth ya bible (ile ya your people shall be my people.and your God shall be my God)na kadhalicker.{ooooooooooooooooooooo love has no boundaries????????????????????? MPAKA MIPAKA ? RD.WASTELANDSSSSSSSS ????????????

USIJI-WASTE???????????????????  oooooooooooooooooo set boundaries na perimetres…fanya ma-hesabu from the word gooooo,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,,,,,, you are as marriageable as your faith,,,,,,,     ,MKIWA of different faiths,,,,,,allow one another to be,,,,,,,,,,,aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa parents should give their blessing to their children,,,,,,,,,,eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee   ATI religious couples break up faster than the RACE ones????????????????}
soooooooooooooooooo…….
SWALA nyeti ni??????????
what if huyo mtu ni agnostic????
agnostic ni a person who believes that it is not possible to know whether God exists or not……………KUCHANGANYIKIWA nayo????????????????????????
WHAT IF huyo mtu ni ATHEIST ??????????????????????
atheist:a person who believes that God does not exist
UTAANZA ATHE..RE … RE…NA YEYE???????????????????????????????????????
GOD IS ONE

humourmob/porojO /ki media

@.1-Unakuta jamaa anauliza swali kama what is someone doing in your house for three days?????????????????????????????????????????????????????
anaeza kuwa amekuja kupumzika kwa MA TATU………………………..
anaeza kuja ile ya SPIRIT OF ADVENTURE ile ilileta ORIGInal waCOLONi kama living stone,redman/rebmann?ki historia tu??
anaeza kuja kufanya research?????????yeye ndiyo anajua lakini SPYing siku hizi ni kazi maybe ako practice/apprenticeship hapo kwako???????????????????ili ajenge exp.ataendea job Urusi,ukraine??kokote?under water???NDANI YA SHARK/u jonah ndio ajifichie wa US A wakitafuta spies under ocean bed siku moja………………………….?
Maybe amekufa roho na amekuja kufufuka hapo kwako after siku tatu???????????????ARISE AND SHINE???????
@.2-UNakuta pia expat anapeana mawaidha hapo ……….eti dating out of your comfort zone as in ……………maybe you can go date an OCTOPUS /paul in the ocean and buy jill/gillian/gills to breathe out of your comfort zone in the ocean???????????????????????????????????????????????MISS MERMAID?
badala u buy iwe gari ni sub marine muna pigia bei. ubaya hakuna toyo taaaa east africa ya kui nunua.!
unakuta the ex part anasema it is the woman’s reli gion that matters in a relationship………………………………………………….no wonder jezebel alimletea kifo and so much more machungu/maumivu to a herb/herbalist/ahab
NO WONDER the women solomon married led him astray and turned his heart after other gods.they surely turned his heart after other gods???goddamn them?????????????
EXPART/PERT akisema date out of your comfort zone,kesho atasema date out of your time zone,then next,date out of this world……….alafu……………OOOOOOOO……..EEEEEEEEEEEE………..EAT DATES THEY ARE GOOD FRUITS.
na bila kusahau radio-carbon dating nayo?
MTEGO/TAG WA PANYA HUINGIA WALI OMO NA WASIOKUWEMO NA WA HIS PANYA NA PANYA ROUTES ZOTE…………………………………………………………

humourMOB/POROJO

SO iko jamaa ana complainia miner,,,,,
eti bi*2 aka bibiye na da*2 aka dadaye wameovertake kila kitu kwa nyumbaye/nyumbani kwake so swala nyeti ni
1-HUYO MTU ANATAKA SPEED GOVERNOR @ HOME??????????????????????????
2-UYO MTU ANATAKA POLISI WA TRAFFIC @ HOME KWA HOUSE ??????????????????????????????
3-HUYO MTU ANATAKA UNDERTAKER KWA NYUMBA??????????????????
May be anataka uchukuzi na mawasiliano.transport to another location/communique to leave and let leave.or he can kill ‘imself and get to restful,peaceful heaven where no moth/thief/unwanted guests wilI ever reach HIM to disturb him.
ama ununue secret plot athi river coz hawa may be wanajiuliza ki moyo moyo………UTAHAMA LINI???????????????????????????????
NA UKIPANGA KUHAMA…………………………..WAKUITIE KUNDI LA HAMAS