humourmob/SILLYSILLY

 
THIS KID AULIZWA query ya  CRE..eti THE NAME OF MALAIKA ALI ye LETEA MARIA GOOD NEWS………… ya the BIRTH OF CHRIST
.COZ OF THE MPIRA MADNESS RUNNING CONCURRENTLY-ki world-cup……… 
THE KID ANAJIBU NI:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::ANGEL DI MARIA!!!!!????HA!
 
 
COMPLICATED ENGLISH BY A BRITISH COMMENTATOR
ENGLAND WON
ITALY TOO
WHAT HE REALLY SAYS::::::::::::::::::::::::::::ENGLAND ONE,ITALY TWO.
KU CHANGA NYIKIWA
 
 
eti very vera zidisha.sidika.anaeka abuja weave kwa kichwa?????????????????????????????
alafu wa nigeria wataenda wapi???????????????????????????????????USHAGO?????????
kesho watanyoa buju banton na wa make a buju-rasta weave.rastas be-ware! 
this weaver-birds……………………………………………………………………………………. si warudi mti- ni or is it mti(ha/HER )ni??????
sio WIVU-WEAVE HUU.WE WANT BACK OUR GALS…….NO (NYWELE)
 
 
 
methali niwachie

1.ngoja ngoja wachia waiters,waitresses na dating show peoples
2.mchagua jembe ni ramadhan ka jembe
3.mpanda ngazi ni kung fu panda
4.aisifuye mvua ni wakulima wa rift valeY wa mahindi ngano kumbe stories zina pandwa??????????,na waliotoka sahara desert aka jua cali
ans

5.leo ni leo m say kesho anaitwa ms wakesho
6.kikulacho si ki nguoni mwako kikulacho ni cannibal . na ni cristine mango,,,,,,, akila maembe anajikula. akinywa mango juice ni vampire.aya aende aishi mwembe tayari ajikule to ????????????????? a pulp.

rafiki ye ni juicer

 
 
Advertisements

humourmob:??????????

mainbg3.jpgDID you hear that anchor:::::::::::::::::::::::eti efforts to get a comment from the county govt yielded no fruit????????????????????????????????????????????si ni kweli??????????
you want yields??????????????????????and fruits………………..????????????????????????????????
tembelea orchard……na green grocer(s).
HII PICHA YA NATURE AT ITS BEST INA MEAN TU MAMAKE JUMA NATURE ANAITWA MOTHER NATURE

humourmob/heady marphy/headmaster

images (3)pic222

so i just happened on two plainti(ff) plaiting women telling a story about one of their friend’s boy ambaye amekuwa akiiba not that he’s been in plenty but he’s been with a long hand.ako na mkono mrefu.sijui kama huyu boy ana type na LONG HAND?????????????????????
haya basi the motor mouths were sussing/plaiting/u susi/u su sion and saying huyu boy alienda ku e-bar   a.k.a. to steal and the elders of the jiji caught him or were told about his pilka pill car in the jiji.so eti wa ka decide eti  wanamfungia kwa nyumba………………as if hao ni miroslav/love klose??????????????????????????ku funga wachia chips na wa jerumani……………………………..eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.uyo boy aka reason eti vile ako na exit kadha wa kadha kwa body ndio vile hiyo house iko na x-eat???????exit.
si wanasema huyo boy ali go down the sewerage pipe/kit nyuma ya nyumba head first (heads are for butting,scoring goals ki header and diving)……………. au headlong…???????? ali dive into the murky/murphy waters and akatokelezea kwa kambi ya maji na sewerage???????????????????????????????????????????????akatimua mbio tena akaenda akajirusha kwa river obango ili aji clear evidence so wale wakimtafuta…………………………………yeye ata say alikuwa na phelps training ya glasgow.???????????????? eti anafunza kids to swim???????????????????????????. na ame swimama wima??????????????????????????……………………………………..i juz marvelled @ such a crazy nasty kenyan escape and discovered huyu ndio eddie ma fee wa ki kenya the old american one ni wazee hukumbuka, na pia tracee edmondssssssssssssssssssssssssss hasahau……………..auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu?????????????????/wa boys wa ki kariobangi are so daring??????kama darius mbeleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee???????????
yote teaser/yote tisa the kumi ni kwamba…………….hakupatwa ali migrate to up nchi/country na maybe akiulizwa atasema anakaa kwa ki sewer cha me-going-go/gone.ki sewer char migingo
he’s rotten in the head????????????????????????stool faced poo-r thingggggggggggggggggggg.ali stoolia/akatulia kwa maji taka ku okoa maisha yake.kweli si uyu ange need tu okoa jahazi for that day???????????????
a ka dhow au submarine ya ku hepa?????????????????????????????????it was such  a dirty job and he showed a clean pair of heels????????????!!!

humourmob tu

#1.help?
naomba serikali inisaidie…………..my balanced diet is hanging in the balance!

MWINDIMCHELE cord oile BBCRICE

#2.am live:AM LIVE
unakuta amlive wanauliza swala eti how high were the walls of jericho before they came tumbling down????????????????maswali mengine ni ya chris jericho.na tena hizo days nani alikuwa na tape measure ya kuchukua urefu wa hizo walls??????????????????????????wall-ahi????????????????????ni wallace????amlive wako na maswali mengi kwani hao ni polisi????????????lakini tena hapa jericho hakunanga ukuta!TUKUTANE.
ama why ti 2 anajua maybe? aliziangusha??????????????????????????????????????????

ANKA3

monikey

#3.elephant-man:bands:
ooooooooooooh ati kwa hii band ni mimi nacheza tarumbeta.eeeeeeee i play the trumpet.wewe ndovu????????????????????????????????wewe ni ndovu???????????????????ama we ni elephant-man??alafu mr tembo???????
it’s the elephant that trumpets!

images (3)

#4.complain ant:COMPLAIN-ANT
unakuta complainant eti ana complain………….nilivamiwa na wakora……..nilipatwa na wakora??????? nilipigwa na wakora?????????oooooooooooooo niliumizwa na wakora…………….furahi wewe. uli-pokea KORA AWARDS!!

#5.methali:METHALI
Dalili ya mvua ni ??????????????????????????????DALILI ya mvua uliza nguatah francis!

ANKA7

#6.polished thieves:
the women who stole a lot of rangi ya viatu walikuwa waende outing na walikuwa wanataka kungara na si viatu pekee vinavyo ngara………………walikuwa wanataka ku polish their hair black,na faded little black dress yao pia(women have LBD kwa wardrobe na keshokesho watakuwa na CBD kwa wardrobe)?????????????????????????????????????????????to be continued……………………………

humourmob/mjengo

download (2)

si ulisikia polisi wana hunt wana winda mwenye orofa iliyoporomoka ili collapse huko kiambu last month??????????????? kama outsider ::::::::::::::::si unaonelea polisi waachane na hio hunt.let animals hunt for food.na nyama.and prey.let sleeping dogs lie.let praying mantis aombe
si watumie MANPOWER services i head hunt for this mwenye mjengo??????????si MANPOWER wako na 20 yrs+ exp ya ku-get mtu yu want????????????????????????WANA tafutanga hiyo kichwa.hao ni headmasters of tha game.
he can run ata wakenya wana run huko sportland.na he cant hide cos dunia ni duara na mwalimu wa hesabu atakuja na pie squared na circumference na maficho ya huyu bwana ita calculatiwa to a t.na ticha wa hesabu lazima apate answer.na pia mjengo iki collapse?????????????quickly resuscitate it.has it been floored??????????????????????to the ground???????????????????huyo groundsman pia atafutwe.kwa nini hakuekea mjengo soft landing maybe hainge poromoka????????lakini muhimu ni kuwa mwenye jengo apatwe na groundsman apatwe.MBIO ZA SAKAFUNI—-
HUISHIA NA FLOOR MANAGER.
na pia wajifunze that USIPO ZIBA UFA……………IN TIME??????????????USIPO ZIBA WOOFER……………………..NUNUA SUB-WOOFER.
na wajenzi wanaitwa njenga.kama wewe sio njenga,usijenge.jinga
kujenga ukuta wachia chinese na great wall zao zenye hazi poromoki.

humourmob/mixology/KUchanganyikiwa

unakuta mwalimu anauliza mtoto.mtoto/student sanduku ya mabati inaitwaje na kizungu??????????????????????ni wa kariobangi na most are so thick????????????????????????????
mtoto::::::::::IRONBOX
nakwambia that student is very thick in the head kwani baba yake ni robin thick????????????????????thicker??????????????????????ati wathika??????????????????????????????????????????

wakumbuka MATE kupotea/kutoweka???????????????????
huku kenya ndio MATE ina/alipotea.for a while.back a-while back.
alikuwa wapi lakini?????????????????????????????kwa ku cheki sa liva pool……….!.!.liverpool.si guys concoct all kinds of stori yet ameendea kuona mechi??????????????????mahali???????????????????
per mate shaka ako????????????mertesacker????????????????????????

unauliza mtoto eti accountant anaitwa nani kwa kizungu????????????????????????????????????????????????????
si mtoto wa ki kariobangi anakuambia eti ni MANAMBA……………………….manamba?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????kuchanganyikiwa re-loaded!
unamwuliza mhaRIRI anafanya kazi gani???????????????????????????????the kid ajibu eti huyo ni mfanyi kazi wa rihanna???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

unauliza them kids……………………types of wanyama,domestic animals……dogs………….ngombe….kuku…..etc you give examples kama kuna zebu cow,kama kuna borana/au ni fore-runner???????????free range kuku????????????? steven spieldog????kisha unawaambia wa add on to the list na mtoto wa ki kariobangi anajibu akuambia eti ngombe ingine ni CHICAGO BULLS………………………..
na imagine mwalimu awe muindi na mtoto amjibu vivyo mpaka anasema mtoto mjinga wewe,ngombe wewe. my gosh.my god. mungu wangu.si nina aminia ngombe???????????????

HUMOURMOB/kitendawili

ANKA11

kitendawili????????????????????TEGA?????????????
Mzee upara/kipara ameingia……………………
JIBU:::::o-PARA-nya
achana na ronaldo……….huyu ni ro-BALD-o
HOHE-BALD-IVIA……HAAAAAAAAA!!!!bald-head

humourMOB/mtangazaji

'We'll be maintaining our News coverage...but the news will mainly be about tits.'

1.IT WASN’T ME
SOOOOOO huyu mtangazaji ana tangazaaaaaaaaaaaaa.kisha anamaliza halafu yuasema:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
miye ni weak leaf/wycliffe SIKO.
SIKO??????????????????
HAUKO??????????????????????????????????????????
anasema SIKO na ukweli n’kwamba yu pale pale hapo kwa screen.na unamwona,na unamsikia loud n clear.na sauti pia sawa.kisha anasema……………………miye ni wiki boy SIKO.KWELI HAYUKO???????????????
HAUKO??????????????????????????
kuchanganyisha waonaji nayo?????????????????????????????

2.Whyrene muchuma the IRONMAN too
si mwana dada amejibeba na chuma mpaka dirishani curtain ni the IRON CURTAIN?????????????????????????????????
3.#100,000:
haya miye mi (ha)ri potter/ripota wako na miye francis mtaa LAKI
mtaa 100,000?????????????????????????????????????????
maanake???????????????????????????????????????????????
hata ka rice poa/wali bora………. aliandika hulka ya wanadamu ina waLAKIni tumbi nzima???????????????????
4.na LOFTY mitambo??????????????????????????????????????????miye ni wenu LOFTY/LOAF-T MITAMBO
maanake:lofty ni very high and impressive.
lofty ni deserving praise coz of its high moral quality
lofty ni a belief that you are worth more than other people?????
a lofty disdain for other people.ata ku loft ni ku kick tha ball au ku throw the ball very high into the air??????????????????????????????
ni sababu ya u-lofa/loafer……………………………………………..miye ni lofty mitambo niki ry potty toka kwa LOFT.?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
MIX UP ??????????????????????????????

5.bila kusahau early man zoo.manzu?????????siku atavaa kanzu…………………..basi atakuwa early Kanzu
#0.miye ni a lakes charm warder and utaona charm tema?? sio kuni ni rooney
#0.miye ni woodwork amimo na cheche.karibu checherito
#0.miye ni kambua na nundu na mtegemea nundu haachi kunona.oops……………………no.mtegemea nundu ni QUASIMODO
#0.MIYE NI MORE HARM MADE EARLY NA MIYE NI SPICE/SPIES.and my daughter is a spice gal/spies girl.

#-6….NA tafakari ya baboon nayo????????????????????????????????IMPALALIVE.COM ????????very soon wanyama watakuwa anchors.kuna wildlife on-line and microphones za ku capture sounds za wa nyama na ku monitor wa-meat thru internet.mi ye ni mnyama wako mpendwa and catch me live @ impalalive.com. KAtika tafakari ya bro.hare and his band mates.tafakari ya baboon???????hiss/hisia za nyoka???????na nyati akitangaza sengenge ni nyati.miye anchor wako naitwa no(m)ah wanyama.nikisema nyama nyama nyama…………………………………………………………

humourMOB/kitchen island,screen test.

1*!@#$%^&*SCREEN TESTS
ONCE upon a time screen tests were done @ a media house to vet your performance on screen or sooooooooooooooooooo.
but now……………………………………

…………………………kuna screen tests kwa mtaa.mitaani.

U TENANT re-loaded .agent wa mtaa aka professional estate manager asema kuna screen test/vetting kabla ya kuhama.wana recruit tenants
1.we ni nani??????????????nyinyi ni kina nani?????
2.what do you do???????????what do the kids do????
3.land lord wako wa mwisho alikuwa nani?????????why did you leave your last abode??????????????????
what is your blood type(in case of an emergency)?
what are your hobbies???????
DO YOU KEEP PETS???????????????????????dogs,cats??????like animal husbandry????????chicken???????????bees?????????fish???????
DO THEY SEE VETS???????????????????????
are they circumcised??????????????????????????
i want a list of all your habits and routines and a health report of you and the animals
hebu tuone meno yako na miguu yako.
i want a copy of your wealth declaration report?? pay slips ????????? documents? your photo na photocopy za watoto
4.sign an agreement; we will perform a background check on you to verify all the details……………
kama unafanya kwa bla bla bla  tunataka reference toka kwa FBI agent na picha taslimu na kadhalika………………………….
WELCOME ON BOARD.TO THIS NEW PLAZA BUILDING/apartment hot hot !
IT’S A DIFFERENT WORLD.

una vettiwa ndiposa unaingia kwa nyumba yako rented!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2.KISEWER CHA MIGINGO
kisiwa cha what ever??????????????????
you know kisiwa cha migingo, victoria island,the island of man (isle) isla{nd}fisher fisher of man…………………….solomon islands…………….
so you’ve travelled to some islands in lamu and loved the themes……………..and now the islands are nearer to thee than the sea……..?????????????? they’re in your face and in your house

a new or pseudo-new latest thing in home building is………………………………………..THE KITCHEN island.

you may want it L-shape,U-shape (a u-turn is out the road and in your kitchen)so utafanya u-turn kwa roady na kwa jikoni ??????????????stylish. bila kusahau counter top and added counter space???????????????????? for counting money/or for the money counter???????????? is it going to be a bank?????????????????or a lobby???????????????????
the home owner has to consider costs like bringing electricity and plumbing to the island.i wonder how and why an island needs plumbing yet it’s s’posed to be around-ed by water???????????????????????????
there’s also the free standing island????????????????????????? . yeah not out @ sea but standing on land!and in your kitchen!
and they do have disadvantages too. like they say its immobile????????????????????????? like yes all islands on earth lack mobility. only water moves about an island????????????????????????? and fish??????? going fishing for sport???????????????
they aren’t moving.they are on a round trip and they travel in circles circling the water circling the island and they also go to school.A SCHOOL OF FISH.another disadvantage is that the island takes up a lot of floor space.so do you need a floor manager for the kitchen??????????? to manage the island????????????????????????????so where will cooking be????????in the fire dep’t of the house???????????????
na mpishi ni fire-man??????????????????????????

dunia CA-RAZY,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,CA-RAZIER,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,CA-RAZY-EST!

humourmob/samaki wa kupaka/HOT DOGS


PAWCURE/PAUKWA PAKAWAimages (4)
DOGMA
IN USA
Dog facials,pedi/PAWDICURE. habari ndio hii .manicure for a dog.it’s a dog’s life.a dog has highlights on his/her body hair…………rainbow colour dog,multicolour bulldog,two-tone chihua who are……,flesh coloured german shepherd??????????????nude terrier??????????????????????????blonde dog,who eat dog cakes in a PETri dish?????????porcelain designer bowls,drink gold label mineral water from the mines south east of meditteranean seeeeeeee?????????????????????????????????????bathe in gold bath tubs….and in kiambu jamaa haogi coz there’s no time to bathe.even if gold bath tubs.even if public jacuzzi??????????????????
he’d rather drink methanol to sterilise his insides but not water coz it drowns people?????????????????????????????????
BACK TO DOGGING
the dog owner pays 200 dollars a night (wako na dollar mingi kwani kila mtu ni creflo dollar?) $$$ for his PETty pet to enjoy a play date and make new friends @ d-pet hotels/D PET HOTELS.only in america.in deluxe rooms with
1. flat screen t.v,for watching dog cartoons{all dogs go to heaven} and dog movies and dog music[who let them dogz out}?
2.room service incl.dog beer,dog wine,dog’s meat juices,birthday dog cake,dog biscuits,dog fruits like PAW PAW,hand and foot/paw waiter aka WAITherero
3.olympic size swimming pool with de-chlorination to not destroy dog’s highlighted hair at the dog salon and swimming coach :MICHAEL YELPS. phelps and kelps are for the deep blue sea.
4.grooming spa with customized bubbly bath with dog shampoo even a dog swedish massage from the dog masseuse a.ka.a DO(U)G savant.then dog has a blow dry and the hairs trimmed,oiled,moisturized then off to dog’s wardrobe with $10000$$ dog collar with rubies & gemstones and tanzanite,diamond’s aren;t a dog’s best friend,dog leather jacket from dogsy & gabbana. 1000s of $$$$$$$$$$$$$ of dog wear.rain coat?PETty coat,under coat,d-strings from dog-terrier’s secret/victoria’s secret???????????????
the dogs even do sun bathing @ barking ham palace gardens with sunscreen lotions/potions
kim’s dog had butt implants too.to look more bitchy and boost confidence????????????????????????????????????????????and ad more dog stuff?????????designer dog kennels,diamond dog collars?????????dog diapers???????????????????????
its a madd madd madd world.
and a hungry famine stricken african would have dog cuisine just to stay alive!

 

download (3)

 

 

 

si una taka kupika samaki wa kupaka?
ingredients:

1.fish.fresh fish,vaseline ya kumpaka samaki(moisturise when the body is still freshly moist from the lake),powder au ni salt and seasoning????,royco aka foundation/bronzer the colour/to tint the skin tone of the fish???????????,who wants to eat black or grey fish???????????????yet it falls under the group of white meat???
perfume; siku hizi kuna cooking spray kwa naku what.supermarket. you need it you got eat.bow tie ama dania for garnishing ooooo for appearance ooo food must be good to look @????,lipcolour/tomato sauce for colouring the fish’s lips so it looks appetizing etc……………………………..apply gloss………………….sheen……………………body oil(vee man shah’ll provide the body oil/elianto oil for ????????????????????????????????samaki wa KU PAKWA
milk:for bathing the fish to be soft and smooth
and without forgetting the cat/catch who will eat the sweet smelling beautiful fish???????????????
oooooooooooooooo chef garnish the food,it should look urembo,pleasant to taste???????????
kwani wale wanarogwanga na kukula nyasi either chafu/safi/dry etc?????????????????? wale mr.wangombe(they are never women)mbona hawajali saaaaaana kenye wanakula?
does it cause grass cancer??????????????????????????
do grass hoppers suffer from grass cancer???????????????????from pesticides????????lung cancer from insecticides????????????????
waliridhi salad za nebuchadnezzar.
king salads inc.from grace to grass to gross. and grows………………………………………………………